Taking in the Disadvantage

Bonjour,

I was afraid to start typing....writing is my release my vise if you will...When your a child they say don't talk to strangers, or your told to be watch out for the boogie man. My fear was never that. It was commitment.

One of the sad points in my life is my marriage....I really wish I could have the  heart to feel what I once did. But no matter what it can't. I'm writing this as final release. People over the years have been saying hang in there, there's no back door. My husband himself said "God never promised us happiness" So what I should except this and just stay married to make society, the church and you happy? "And God" he says. But is God really that morbid? He wants me to live half a life in an unhappy marriage? Really??...and then what?
I  die a miserable death with a broken heart??? NO I don't believe this is the God I worship. Who I call Abba Father. After all would our earthly fathers want us to be happy and spoil us. So how much more God...our heavenly father.

Some of you know this story but for those who don't, allow me to pull the shades to the side so that you may view the window to  a portion of my life...

As a little girl I always believe that God did not intend for us humans to simply just grow up, get married and have a job and 2.5 kids...Myself not being a traditionalist was not exactly against marriage but I was pro single...

But as life carried on I ended up having a son by the age of 17. Although the transition was scary I went in full speed ahead in Mommywood...  With the help of family and friends I went to school, worked part time and worked towards a fruitful future for my son and I.

At 24 I became a mom for the second time. I was more prepared this time. I was after a pro by then.
Now my yearning for life understanding began to dig in. I searched it through God. Don't get me wrong never and atheist, loved God but close relationship we did not have. Attended church and met my future husband there....in the relationship dept. I never seem to hit a home run so I decided to play a different game pick someone you would never go for in your past...after all don't they say opposites attract?

12 yrs have passed since...where has the love gone? life has taken it's toll on our marriage. And because we never bothered to invest in our marital account and thus far no withdrawal can be made..

My husband is passive aggressive and I'm sudo mucho aggressive..in the beginning it was cute now it's just down right annoying. We still live in the  same house. He's in the basement and I'm upstairs with the kids. Financially we are stuck hence the living in the same house thing. But physically and emotionally are marriage has been dissolved for 4 yrs.

I spoke to my 14 yr old daughter and she said this is not how it's suppose to be she understood that...before the nail in the proverbial coffin took place about 3 yrs ago we had been through endless counseling, couples retreats and so forth. I'm done....Perhaps my first instinct was right marriage ain't my bag but I'm happy as co parents I couldn't have asked for a better partner. I remind my kids now that you only have one life and you must live it to the fool and never concern yourself with societies standards. And this one life we have can't do it more than once. So go hard or go home....

To be continued....

FRENCHIE

Looking Back

I remember not long into my past when I was a young lady...the age of innocence... At the age of 15 I dated a guy named Kevin who would always pressure me into giving up my then precious virginity and submitting to his will...Never thought he was worth it...so after the debate going back and forth i moved it forward without Kevin...

Now onward to the present time..I'm 38 the mother of 3 beautiful brats (lol) so clearly the virgin thing didn't last. But I think about it all the time...I spoke to a male friend about any life reflection and regrets. He made a very thought provoking statement "I wish I had waited to lose my virginity" "Why?" I asked...he said sex complicates things. And I for one have to agree..it's a 3 letter world that holds so much power. People lie for it, break families up over it; hell people even murder for it..

Sometimes the act itself is a vast disappointment of the aftermath it leaves behind...Don't get me wrong I'm no prude. But yes like my friend said. I too wish I had waited. I was pregnant and a mom at the tender age of 17. Imagine. I could not vote for a president, or go into a bar and order alcohol or even go to the corner store and buy cigarettes. Not that these things have been my desire but you get the idea.

Now I know what your thinking what hell kinda blog is this. Well for those of you who've ever felt this way but never expressed it out loud just see me as your voice...

Till next time......

Da coming of Age!!!

January 14, 2011

Hello,

It’s been over a year since I penned anything down on paper to write.

So much has gone on in my personal life. At one point I was overwhelmed. I’ve met new friends, lost old ones (Not necessarily through death) and reunited with a few as well from my past. Before he became the current President of the United States, Barack Obama gave a gratifying speech on CHANGE.

Used as a verb the word CHANGE means: To become transformed or converted. If you’re anything like me you will constantly be changing. I’m always trying to reinvent myself so I never become complacent or stagnant if you will (As I did for too many years). But with a little help from my family and friends who show me lots of love and patients I seem to be finding my way.

Recently a friend of mine saw me taking medication (I have high blood pressure)

They went on to say they were not surprised. I’m a hot head and unforgiving. Of course they did not say it in the best tactful way but they hit the nail right on the head. So I got to thinking. This has been a challenge in me for many many years to the point where it has festered its way into my health. Sometimes we should see the “talk” for what it is and not focus on the delivery. I thank you “friend” for your wisdom.

Now we are in the current. I’m working on CHANGE.  It’s the first month of the New Year and the dust is settling to embark on the 2011 journey of life for all of us. What will be you’re change?

With love,

Frenchie